If I Do Not Nobody Does

If you do not do it, this family does not go anywhere, and you have known that for about seven years.

And here is the thing you would want said first, because most articles about this get it wrong: you do not want to be thanked.

Really. Somebody saying thank you for arranging this would not touch it. That is not what is missing, and the fact that people keep offering it as the answer is part of why you have stopped talking about it.

What you are tired of is being the reason. The permanent structural fact that this household's entire capacity to go anywhere runs through one person, and that if that person is tired, or unwell, or has had enough, then nothing happens to anybody.

And I have something specific to offer, and it is not about getting somebody else to share it. It is about how much of that tiredness is the arranging, and how much is something else you have been doing alongside it without ever counting it.

In quietness and in confidence

There is a verse in Isaiah with a strange and slightly sad ending, and the middle of it is what I want to put in your hands.

For thus saith the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: and ye would not. (Isaiah 30:15, King James Version)

You have a source of strength named in the written word that is quietness rather than effort, and no year of being the only one has ever once put you outside of it. Isaiah 30:15 locates the strength in quietness and confidence rather than in activity, and the Holy Spirit is the one who applies that to a woman who has carried a household's whole social life for seven years.

Look at the four words. Returning. Rest. Quietness. Confidence.

Not one of them is about doing more, and not one of them is about doing less either. They are all about a manner rather than a quantity, which is why this verse is for you specifically rather than for somebody who needs to work harder.

You are able to change the manner rather than the amount, and no part of that has ever once required this household to change first. It is written that in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength, which names a way of carrying rather than a lighter load, and the Spirit of God is what makes that available to a woman who cannot hand any of it over.

And then the last three words, which almost nobody reads out loud. And ye would not.

They did not do it. God named where the strength was and the people declined it, and the verse records that plainly and sadly.

Which means this is not automatic. Quietness is offered rather than imposed, and it is possible to hear where the strength is and go on doing it the other way.

You are able to take what has been offered rather than decline it out of habit, and seven years of the other way has never once made this unavailable. The Holy Spirit is the one who makes an offer land the second time, and Isaiah 30 records both the offer and the refusal in one verse.

The campaigning is the expensive half

Now the practical part, and it is a separation I think will surprise you.

Two separate things happen before this family goes anywhere, and they have been counted as one thing all along.

The first is the arranging. Working out the where and the when, the money, the food, the logistics. That is real work and it takes real hours, and it is done well here.

The second is the campaigning. Raising it, sensing the mood, choosing the moment, gauging whether now is a good time to mention it, managing the reaction, building the case, coming back to it three days later, and generating enough agreement that the thing can proceed.

You are able to see the campaigning as separate work, and it has never once been part of the arranging. The Spirit of God is what separates two things a person has always counted as one, and it is written that the strength is in quietness rather than in persuasion.

And here is what I want to suggest, and you will know within four seconds whether it is true. The campaigning is more tiring than the arranging. Considerably more. It is the part that happens at eleven at night, and the part that has no end point, and the part that makes you feel like somebody asking for something.

The arranging is work. The campaigning is negotiation, and negotiation with people who are not opposed to you but are also not thinking about it is the most tiring form of it there is.

You are able to drop the campaigning and keep the arranging, and dropping it has never once been you going behind anybody's back. It is written in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength, and the Holy Spirit is the one who shows a woman which half of her work was never required.

Because nobody in your house is against going. That is the thing to hold on to. They are not resisting; they are not thinking about it, which is a completely different condition and does not need to be argued with.

Arrange it, then tell them the day

So here is the assignment.

Arrange the next one without asking anybody's opinion first. And simply tell them the day.

Do the arranging as you always do. Then, instead of raising it, waiting, gauging and building agreement, say one sentence: we are going to the water on Saturday the ninth, we leave at nine.

You are able to state a day rather than propose one, and stating it has never once been you overruling anybody in this family. Isaiah 30:15 puts the strength in quietness and confidence rather than in a case well made, and the Spirit of God is with a woman writing on a calendar without a conversation attached.

And here is what to expect, because the expectation is what makes it possible. Almost nothing. Somebody will say okay. Somebody will ask what time again on Friday. Nobody will object, because nobody was objecting; they were simply not thinking about it, and now they have been told.

The whole seven years of persuasion has been answering an objection that nobody was actually making.

You are able to stop answering an objection nobody made, and seven years of it has never once meant it was ever there. It is written and ye would not, which is a record of an offer declined rather than an argument lost, and the Holy Spirit is the one who gets a woman to test a thing she has assumed for years.

And if somebody does object, then you have a real conversation to have, once, about that specific thing. That is completely different from campaigning, and it takes about four minutes rather than four days.